The First George Bush?

Custer is the only American Army general who is more celebrated for his loss than his wins, and there is a really good reason for this. Western novels paint Custer as an arrogant fop who should never been a general, much less in charge of fighting the Sioux and Cheyenne cavalry. This is a gross understatement.

I’ll Take The ’85 Bears, and Give the Points

Having Custer as your general in a fantasy league is almost as bad as having the Raider’s defense. Custer was well known for leading his troops with disasterous results. During the Battle of Yellow Tavern, he managed,in the space of two hours,to rally his men to the rear of his original position, round up his stragglers, and lead a daring counterattack upon his own position while facing the wrong way on his horse.

What About the Horse?

The horse, of course, was the famous Mr. Ed.

Custer and his Subordinates-The Blind Leading the Deaf into Traffic

Custer at the Battle of the Little Big Horn ( which the local Indians referred to as “White Man Crosses River to Donate his Horses and Guns”)was better suited to peeling buffalo chips. With no reconnasiance or scouting, he managed to split his force of 256 men into three sections, and watched the entire Sioux nation ride down on top of him. Major Reno (who now has a television show named after him) and Captain Benteen (no such luck) were in charge of the other two wings of the three pronged attack. Oddly enough, they managed to survive this massacre to fight another day (both men were later court-marshalled for dereliction of duty), with Benteen disguising himself as a woman (‘Drag Queen Benteen’ was his stage name up in Jasper, Wyoming) while Reno dug a hole, covered himself in dirt and flowers,and held still for 2 weeks. Custer was not quite as lucky.

Custer, the Overachieving Government Employee, and other Fairy Tales

Western novels all agree that Custer was the original heroic tragic figure–a man so incompetent and egotistical could only have existed on a government payroll. Crazy Horse and Gall and the other war chiefs of the Sioux and Cheyenne Nations made quick work of the pride of the Union Cavalry, and it makes historians ponder how the South managed to lose the Civil War. If only Jeb Stuart had 4000 Sioux warriors, the state of Massachusettes would be eating grits and greens to this day.

Chipper Jones and his Tomahawk Swing

A great Western novel that mentions the Battle of the Little Bighorn (Cheyenne for “Don’t Drink the Water”)invariably mentions the efficacy of the Spencer repeating carbine, but rarely mentions the same effectiveness of only having 100 carbines versus 4000 moving, shooting targets. Custer, in his wisdom, decided to leave his two Gatling machine guns back at the fort, which in retrospect was a good idea. Crazy Horse with a Gatling gun could take over most of the Eastern Seaboard, or at least downtown Atlanta. Then, and only then, would the Braves have a chance at world domination.